“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole.” More

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: “Delayed by storm. Send instructions.” His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately.” More

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so […] More

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me: “Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?” “Erm, I don’t know” I replied “Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing “Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs” “Donald Duck” I replied “No, all ducks you idiot” More

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, “You must be single.” The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?” The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.” More

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled… […] More

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.” “That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided at all,” said […] More

“Lord, I have a problem.” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “And why is that Eve?” “Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, […] More

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412. The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we’d […] More

Three Kids are arguing about who’s dad is the fastest At lunch the first boy says, “My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!” “Not bad,” says the […] More

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes. ‘Darling, how I’ve missed you!’ The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, ‘Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!’ More

I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!” He replied, “Of course! Take the afternoon off.” When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, “Well, how’d it go? Is it a boy or a girl?” […] More

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said.. “You died in your sleep, Harold.” Harold was stunned. “I’m dead…? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!” St. Peter said, […] More

Guy that worked with my dad calls home looking for him and my mom answers: “He is over at his girlfriend’s” (jokingly) He responds without missing a beat: “Ok I will call him over there then” and hangs up. More

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets. The old man said “I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometres every […] More

Son, you’re adopted “I Knew it! I want to meet my biological parents.” “We are your biological parents, your adoptive parents will come for you tomorrow.” More

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says ” He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!” Officer says “yes”. Little Boy asks “Why didn’t […] More

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!” More

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. “Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month.” Mr. Smith’s replies, “That’s very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too.” More